David Luiz Could Fix English Football

Andy Samberg Can't Believe His Luck

Centre-half has been a problem position for the England in recent years. Despite possessing some of the most ‘highly rated’ defenders in the world, they’ve often looked as stable at the back as John F Kennedy’s head, circa 1963. Left back (or “back, and to the left” as Kevin Costner put it) isn’t a worry, but as the recent misadventures in South Africa proved, Capello’s men currently can’t defend for shit… or even £110k a week.

The problem, in my humblest of opinions, is the fan mentality… bear with me here, I’ve got a point.

Stop any Englishman on the street and ask him the simple question “Who was England’s best ever defender?” and you’ll get told, by something like 100% of them, that it was Bobby Moore. Which I suppose is fair enough, after all he captained England to their only major trophy and even once managed to tackle Pele.

An inspirational leader? Definitely. A tough-tackling, no-nonsense centre-back? Of course! But a world-class defender capable of reading the game in ways the average human being couldn’t, blessed with searing pace, a wonderful touch and enough raw strength to smash incoming asteroids with his cock? No, not really.

Butcher By Name...

But we love centre-backs like Moore in this country. Terry Butcher, Jamie Carragher, Tony Adams, John Terry etc are all as subtle, composed and mobile as a selection of YouTube comments written on a brick and they’ve all managed to achieve hero status at some of the most prestigious clubs in the world. The harsh reality is that the English would much rather cheer a crunching challenge that gave away a corner, than a neat little pirouette that helped bring the ball out of defence. We want blood, not ballet.

The best managers in the country have always had the nous (or the cash) to invest in a more restrained, cerebral partner for these players. Someone to go and plug the holes they leave when they set off on a twenty yard flying dash to win the ball. Ricardo Carvalho was exquisite at this and whilst ‘JT’ might have had the armband when lifting Chelsea’s back-to-back league titles, it was the man from Portugal who had given them the defensive stability to do it. For every Carragher there’s a Hyypia, for every Adams there’s a… um… Martin Keown. Exception that proves the rule, right? Point still stands.

It’s no coincidence that the Premier League possesses some of the most miserly defences in the world, and the national side concede goals that are softer than Wayne Bridge’s erection. We celebrate our lumbering brain-dead rearguard, and that has to stop.

Which is where our man Luiz comes in.

Far from being the archetypal ying or yang of Premier League defenders, the boy from Benfica possesses all the strength agility and headstrong determination to make a 40 yard sliding challenge, whilst still being blessed with the skill, balance and confidence on the ball to simply walk it out of defence instead. If we can lump every decent defender in the league into one of two categories then finally, we have our hybrid.

Oops.

Carlo Ancelotti has hinted that Luiz could well replace Terry in the Chelsea side, rather than simply partner him and hopefully that transition would show the country precisely what being a world-class defender actually means. A transition that could make the country wake-up to the requirements of playing at the highest level.

I should probably refrain from making too much of the man with the curly locks until he’s finished the season, or has at least played a few games, but this is a footballer I’ve been praying would join the Premier League. He brings something to the table that absolutely nobody else does, most football fans will never have seen a player like this before and, if he’s even half as good as I’ve been telling everyone he is, might just inspire a few budding young defenders to adapt their game. This one’s for the kids.

I never envied the lads who wanted to play at the back growing up. If you were thick as clotted cream but getting on for 6 foot and handy in a fight, they’d let you play in defence, if you had even the tiniest amount of technical competence and ability to read a game, then they’d make you play in the midfield instead. If David Luiz was English, he’d never have been a defender.

Am I being a bit silly in thinking that the acquisition of one player could alter the future prospects of an entire national side? Well, I took charge of my cousins under 9s team for a few games in the summer and all the forwards had gelled hair, flashy coloured boots and spent the whole game attempting step-overs: I wonder where they learned that…

Ohhh. You meant Cristiano Ronaldo, right? Sorry. - Ed.